I've mentioned before I'm kind of a crazy dreamer.  And many, many of my dreams come true.  I keep saying I'm going to keep a journal so one day I can compile them into perhaps a short story book.  Not only do I vividly dream at night, but I daydream a lot too.  In fact, one way I pass the running time is daydreaming.  I map out elaborate stories in my head, completing the dreams down to the finest of details.  Maybe you find that abnormal.....but for me it's the best way to pass the time and keep my brain engaged in something other than the sound of my feet hitting the pavement and occasionally my breathing getting outta control!

I'm finding lately that my day dreams are not as angry as they used to be.  I can remember many a runs where I'd play a scenario out in my head that happened to me personally in regards to a  friendship issue or a husband issue or a work issue over and over until quite honestly I was just flat out angry.  And then I'd come into the house and be all pissy and yelly at everyone.  It was great.  Not.

So I decided it was time to change that kind of daydreaming.  Last year my health issues.... well, they scared the bejesus out of me.  I was in constant pain, and yet carried about my day like nothing was ever wrong.  My family ignored it because it had become the norm.  And they were over it.  I'd cut off so many friends because honestly the last thing I wanted to do was be around healthy, happy, and  thriving people.  So what did I do to climb out of the hole?  I decided to make some serious changes. Here are a few in case you too are in the hole.  Because the hole sucks.  The hole makes you feel worthless.  The hole makes you want to disappear.  The hole makes you go places in your head you still ask God forgiveness for.

So here ya go:
 1. I bought a devotional book and every morning start my day off in quiet reflection (coffee and at least one puppy accompany this time).  These powerful uplifting words are giving me the hope and strength to overcome my personal struggles with being enough, having enough and receiving enough.
2. I sought out therapy and came to the self-realization that a lot of the inner-personal issues are not in how others perceive me but actually how I see myself.  I'm in constant battle with what I put out into the world and feeling like I need to over compensate.  I have very high unrealistic expectations of myself.  And unfortunately expect the same for everyone around me.  Which kinda sets everyone, including myself up for failures.  What I now know is that failures are a an integral part of growth.  (You'd think I'd be 8ft tall with all this growing but alas I stay 5'4".)  I now graciously accept help, ask for forgiveness and release myself of guilt.  Worry is no longer my friend.
3. Started running with music or book on tape and don't let myself daydream.  Unless it's about something cool, like what I would do if I won the lottery. Or how I'm going to answer interview questions.
4. I started nurturing new friendships and decided some are worth getting rid of and others are worth seeking out again. 
5. I decided that being an art teacher wasn't just a job, but a lifeline that I needed.  Desired.  And therefore have actively pursued a full-time position (you follow me on instgram?  then you know big girl panty stuff has been going on.)
6.  Last I've totally altered my diet.  I still have an occasional binge cream filled doughnut from Dunkin 'Doughnuts ehhem...last night, but as a general rule our house is eating very clean and whole.  Billy and I crave it now.  We are sleeping better and I see him happier.  It's amazing what happens when you take gluten and white sugar out of your diet what it does to clear the mind.  Not to mention our waistlines.  (of course Billy has shed like 20 pounds, me none.....but my clothes fit different)

This is yes....a rather lengthy post.  But this blog is such an important part of the story I am telling.  I love sharing the whole me and how life affects my ability to create.  The above photo just completely filled my heart up yesterday.  To be seen by anyone as amazing is one of the greatest compliments I could receive.  I'm working on the amazing part of me everyday and hope you are too.  If you struggle at all with any of the issues I have, please feel free to email me your story.  I can listen, share, and help you to see the puffy hearts too. 

Thanks so much for sharing in my journey....

1 comment:

Artsy Matilda said...

Your open heart is such a beautiful gift to us! Thank you so much for sharing. And I am so glad you are feeling much better!

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