Nobody Ever Said....

I started this painting sometime ago actually and decided tonight I needed to whip her up some wings and get the text on it so I could share some thoughts with you.  Funny how you can foreshadow your own life unintentionally.  I coined this term years ago, "no body ever said big girl panties had to be white".  The original painting with this text is hanging in my sweet friend Dallas's cubical in Atlanta.  A fun reminder that sometimes we women folk have to do just that, put on our big girl panties and just do what we gotta to survive.  But by golly, these panties don't have to be big white granny panties!

Last week I put my big girl panties on and put myself out there.  I interviewed for a High School art position.  Now let me just state here that I love my job, my school and most importantly my kids.  BUT...the big but in this conversation is that in our county elementary teachers are not certified positions.  We are paid hourly by the PTA.  Which means there is a lot of unequality in the art education other students are receiving in the county because they can not afford an art teacher as many hours as my school does.   Plus these sweet teachers are given little if any money to buy supplies for their programs.  I've written and deleted twice now more on this but am going to stop here because it gets me really wound up let's just say.  And let's just say I would like to be paid for the degree and certification in which I hold.  Period.  Give me that where I am and I would never leave.  Like cremate me in the kiln and spread me around the grounds never leave.  I love the school that much.

So anyhoo...back to the interview.  I rocked it.  Showed up with a vintage suitcase of art and a power point on lessons I'd implemented with kids at ASES, in my personal studio, adult classes in the studio, etc....It was almost 1.5 hours.  I answered their questions. It was exhilarating.  I felt like I had it in the BAG.  And then yesterday I took the Family and Consumer Science test, which was super hard.  Like whoa nelly none of this was in the study guide I spent $50 on!  I left the test feeling super deflated.  Went home, ran 3 stress miles, ate lunch with Tiffin and got in the studio for a spell.  On a whim I decided to check my school email and there it was.  Dear Mrs. Horne........you get the picture?

So I just sat back on my bed a sobbed.  Not cried, sobbed.  Because at that very moment in time I felt like a complete failure.  They didn't pick me.  It was a grief beyond grasping.  In my head I thought, if I'm not good enough for that school then when am I ever going to be good enough for another school?  Granted, it was my first interview in like 15 years....but still.  When you love what you do, and are really good at what you do....rejection is not easy.  I'd like to know what I didn't have to offer them.  What was missing?

So it's been 24 hours.  I'm in a funk.  I'm just being honest.  On top of it all......get this peeps....I'm on my 3rd bladder infection.  Confirmed today.  Which basically means for 6 weeks straight I've been sick (week sick, week on meds, week off, sick again, it's the cycle).  Again.  Just like last year.  The meds aren't killing it.  And I am in constant pain.  Somethings got to give.

I'm off to walk the doggies and then paint.  I think painting right now is my best therapy.  Thanks for hanging with me, and reading this very lengthy depressing blog post.  But it's my story to tell.  You can skip a chapter or two if ya like, but I can't.  I have to push through and trust that there is something out there bigger waiting.  And that my health will not decline anymore but thrive!

I love you guys.....puffy hearts.  J