Keeping Confidence

I'm not really sure how to start this post off.  As this is uncharted territory.  Admitting to something that I don't want to admit, because it shows I am weak.  But maybe by sharing it, you can relate.  I have chosen this path I am on.  Me.  Myself.  And I.  No one has been more a part of this creative journey than myself.  I've walked into this journey with confidence.  At age 18 I wandered into the Dean's office at Auburn University and said, "I want to be an art major".  Without one art class under my belt ever, and without a beautiful portfolio of images to share.    That's why last summer I said, "I'm going to run a half marathon" when I'd never run over 3 miles in my life.  I like lofty goals and usually this confidence I have deep within guides me to a successful finish.

This is how I've always rolled.  A loner by choice really.  I love being alone, independent and capable.  Sure, there have been times when I've lost the mojo.  But always there seems to be another door just waiting to be opened.  I have chosen this life.

Two years ago as you know I started teaching full-time.  I've taught for 16 years, but not many of those are full-time positions.  I am now teaching Monday-Friday all day, after school, adult workshops in my home, Art and Soul Workshops across the United States, Southern Circle Retreats and more.  It's a lot of teaching.  And I love it.   I enjoy sharing my gift.  As a general rule everyone leaves my class feeling confident and pleased with their paintings.

The painting above can't say it better...this is where my story of a struggle begins.  You see I have a heart that wants to please.  A heart that wants to share, needs to share and loves to share.  But after 2 years of teaching and sharing and giving others the confidence they need to move forward somehow along this path I appear to have lost mine.  It's like my well has run dry.  I'm just plain old tired.

And this folks, is how I know this to be true.  You see, I entered this "thing" (I have to call it this because I don't want to share at this time what the thing is, but it is big.  Do I have a chance to win?  Just as much a chance as anyone else.  That's my glass half full attitude.)  I entered this thing without hesitation and with joy actually.  I was excited.  And then the first assignment came over.   I read it, and thought I can do this.  And then I thought about it too much.  And then I got upset when I saw another artist's sketches floating with some of my ideas in them (she was not by any means copying me, we just had the same ideas as many artists do since there are no new ideas to be had just new versions of ideas.)  And then I thought about it some more.  And looked at all the computer generated art being made these days.  I have no computer art skills.  Ask me to make a PDF and I'd say "You want me to make you a peanut dough fluff what?".   I can photo my art perfectly, edit and make it the right resolution.  But I can not take my art, put it in the computer and manipulate it into let's say a bolt of fabric.  I've no training in this area.  So all this....thinking....and computer crap put me over the edge.  To be completely honest with myself it's not the kind of artist I want to be either.   At this point I jumped head first off the high dive.  And haven't emerged from the waters yet.

You see, just like everyone else out there I have struggles.  I just hadn't thought about how all my sharing and teaching was really affecting me and my own art.  I have to admit this entire summer and well really....since I finished the 52 canvases project I've not painted anything.  Sure, I did the bike for over my sofa (which actually sold so now I've got to paint another one) and I started another big one.  But in actuality I've not sat in my studio and created in a very, very long time.  I just haven't felt like it.  Seriously.   I've lost my confidence.

It's funny, as I've been writing this post and looking for images to use I am amazed at the amount of art I have in this Dell computer.  I don't even remember painting this bike above.  But dang I love it.  And the words are very true on it.  I am spirited.  And eventually I'll get back to myself.  The pattern is emerging.  I've been sketching again.  Taking it everywhere I go actually.  Usually this is how my creative confidence starts.  I draw, draw, draw....clean out the studio....then gather supplies.....then paint.  So perhaps this is just the start. 

I like sharing these things with you here.  More than anything this blog is my personal recollection of living a life as an artist.  It helps me to look back and see a pattern of more confidence and less confidence.  It helps me to see where and perhaps even when the weakness crept in.  I just haven't had this kind of struggle in a long time.  I don't really like this side of me.

So, did I decide to submit?  I'll let you know later. The deadline is tomorrow.  I've got my submission ready, it's just a leap of faith that no matter the outcome I am confident in what I made.