I saw this recently on instagram I believe. It's by Joel Osteen. I wrote it on a sticky note and placed it on my desk here at school a few weeks back. Everyday I read it. Sometimes more than once. It reads,
"Instead of being overwhelmed by burdens, believe that you are going to be overwhelmed by God's Blessings."
I've alluded here on the blog that I've not felt myself for sometime now. Since January 19th to be exact. I've literally been to a doctor every week in some form or fashion, sometimes even more than once, including an ER(the day before we left for Disney, great right?) since February 8th. That's 7 weeks folks. Of being poked, prodded, giving samples of this and that, being told let's wait and see what this comes back as....let's see how you feel after this medicine. I was telling someone today that I have an attitude that well, life must go on. And that's what I've put out into the world. I am still teaching, cleaning, making dinner, going to art openings, planning for teaching out of town, taking Mailey to Talent Conferences, folding laundry, blogging, going on family vacations, cleaning out my studio....yeah. Acting like nothing is wrong. So my family and friends really have no idea how much pain I am in daily, how poorly I've been sleeping and quite honestly how freaking scared I am.
Yesterday I saw 2 specialists. One was non-challant jerk who wasn't listening to me. And scheduled two crazy tests of which I hope I really need since he was so not listening to me and what my symptoms were. By the time I got to the second doctor I was so nervous and upset I was shaking. The doctor noticed this and did his best to calm me and reassure me that he was going to dig until he solved my puzzle. He was going to make me better no matter what it took. He was beyond kind, patient and listened intently to every word I said. I left feeling so much better, not physically but mentally. So what is wrong you ask? Well it all started with a stupid yeast infection.....which has snowballed into so many other things. Literally. Like every time I go the doctor it's something new wrong. The most serious is that my bladder is in so much pain that prescription pain meds aren't working. Yeah. So why can't they figure it out? Well because one test will reveal nothing is wrong...we'll wait a few days oh wait this test does show bad bacteria present, etc. NOW, let's treat it with this and see what happens. 7 days later. Feel better. 24 hours later feel like crap again. Start over. Test is fine...oh wait we let it sit a few days and actually it is bad. Let's treat you now.
I know my body. I know when it hurts. I know that for a fact something is not right. I know that I am so much pain right now that should I decide to finally stop life and let the pain consume me I might not come up for air. So the quote above has become my saving mantra. There absolutely has to be a blessing at the end of this burden. There has to be. I am taking it one day at a time, trying to not get overwhelmed. Trying to stay ever calm for my family. A few friends know the whole story. And now you all know most of the story. I am telling you all this not for awwwwsss....and to feel sorry for me. But for your kind prayers to be sent my way that healing will come. That I will be able to run again. That I will sleep through the night again. That the doctors will continue to show kindness and gentleness towards my healing. That they won't stop until I am 100% for more than 24 hours.
I appreciate SO MUCH your being here in this journey with me. And since this is the journey right now, I felt like sharing it with you. If anything it was nice to put it out to the world finally. I won't be sharing anymore about it, unless of course something crazy comes up. And when I am 100% I'm pretty sure you'll know it. Because I'll be painting again. That'll be so nice.