What is Calling You?

I've been thinking about this post since Wednesday night, debating whether I should share these thoughts.  But since I tend to share the most authentic side of myself here....in other words I tend to spill my heart out right here on this little Dell, I decided to.  So this is about motherhood and what is calling you.  Wednesday night we had the opportunity to have dinner out at camp with the girls.  I rode with two girlfriends whom I've know for I guess 4 years.  We are from totally different walks of life, have totally different careers, and yet because of the bond our children share, we've built a bond.  I really love these women.  Really.  There's something about this friendship that always leaves me feeling fuzzy inside. 

On the way to camp they were both saying how much they missed the girls, hated they couldn't call them, etc... I was sitting in the back seat cutting out a million butterflies for my booth at the flea thinking, man....I don't miss Mailey the way they are missing their girls.  Is something wrong with me???? 

OK, now let me rephrase this.  I miss her in a sense that she's not here to fill my room with her roller coaster emotions.  She's not here to be cuddled and held at night.  She's not here to tell her stories.  She's not here for me to see her adorable freckles and giant new front teeth. 

So later that night after a wonderful visit with Mailey, who by the way was having the time of her life, I began to feel even more sure that my not missing her was a very, very good thing.  We have a very loving home life, don't get me wrong.  I'm not ready for them to head out the door to college anytime soon.  We are all hugs, kisses, I love you's, you're awesome saying type of family unit.  Billy takes William to play golf, I take Mailey to art things.  We do things together and we do things apart.  But we are also independent of our children and are trying to raise them to be the same.  Does this make sense?  Billy and I have well-rounded lives which include both family, friends and children.  They do not only revolve around our children and their lives.  Now Mailey and her apron strings was definitely in question for this trip.  But I knew in my heart that she was ready and that the "don't leave me" pulls would not be present.  And they weren't.  Because I know her, and she knows me.  And she knows that Mommy was going to be working this week towards her dream (which we talk about ALL the time) and that Daddy would be doing his usual working as well.  

So what is calling me?  I know I was called to be Mother.  I wanted a little one so bad I couldn't stand it.  We waited 6 years before we had William.  And Motherhood has been very fulfilling.  But I have other needs in my heart as well.  Now the trick is trying to balance all those needs.  Knowing when to put some needs aside while others are meet.  I often look at the success of other artists and notice a huge trend....many of the ones with bigger careers, bigger sales, etc have waited on family.  I know family takes a large chunk of my day and energy.  But I wouldn't have it ANY OTHER WAY.  Because without them, my art would not be as meaningful and this career would not be fulfilling.  Sharing it with them is what makes me complete. 

So this morning I am quickly finishing loose ends so that the afternoon can be devoted to hearing all about camp life.  Also, I can't wait to show Mailey my new paintings, I love to see her reactions and she's very honest.  And possibly help her finish the telephone painting she started before leaving.  Yep.  It's all good here in the Horne house.  And as much as all being apart this week was good for us, getting back together will be even better.


Suzanne said...

What a wonderful post. The first time my son went to camp, just an hour away, I cried for about an hour. Then I was O.K. and made it through the week fine. Now, his 5th year in a row, I was so looking forward to it and all the things I could do while he was gone. My daughter had a couple of sleepovers, and it was right in the middle of Kelly's class. That's when I really implemented a lot of her suggestions. And of course I'm thrilled when they're back!

Kathryn Hansen said...

i'm with you all the way...when my kids go off i miss them that first day, then i'm on to my very full life. i know that they are having an awesome time, i am getting a much needed break and getting things done i wouldn't normally have time for.

i personally think it's unhealthy to miss someone so much...i think you become needy and overly clingy when too identified as a mom. teaching kids to be independent with lots of interests outside the family unit is way healthier.

sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with it all!!

Shannon said...

I'm with you (and Suzanne & Kathryn) all the way. I have friends who have never been away from their kids and I really can't understand why! I think everyone needs their own space and time and independence, and to never get that... I don't get it.

By the way, speaking of creativity and getting things done - or not - I stalled out on Rowan's room, but I have not forgotten that I owe you some pictures of the finished product with all of your cute tweety contributions in it. When I get it done I will send them!

Have a great rest of the summer!

leslie said...

Just met another fan of yours...she is in charge of the artist market at Wesleyan...and we both talked about how much we respect and admire your energy and your ability to balance motherhood and your art...then I read your post...wow! And just as i am thinking about applying to show in the market...funny how things happen!

Beth said...

I also agree that it is a good thing to enjoy your own time! It is good for your your kids too and when they do go away to college, I know from experience, that your art will also help you enjoy that part of motherhood as well! So, don't feel guilty at all! And I admire that you can do both. I didn't do as much with my art when my children were little. I taught high school art, but didn't do as much with my own. But now I'm making up for lost time!

jasperandblue said...

i love your art, really love it. I want to comment on every post. ( maybe i will: is that to weird.)
Anyway, this post struck a cord. My 2 boys, 10 and 14 are away at camp., we had visiting day 2 weeks ago- wow time flies!!! they were great, having So much fun.
I miss them like crazy , but at the same time , I'm enjoying spending time just for me. Lots of art yay! I don't always have time for that when everyday life returns, although I'm making myself a promise, weeks cannot go by in between anymore.

Robin said...

One of my biggest pleasures and comforts is when I know my kids are having a good time and doing what they like to do especially when it is away from home. My goal for them is to grow up and be productive and have their own full lives as we have ours.I plan to stay busy and when the time is right not notice there is an empty nest because I am so busy doing my own thing along with the things that my husband and I like to do together.

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